My story
rating: 0+x



Diagnosis: Intractable CH
Clusters started: 11-21-13

background - family, location, career, etc.

"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." * Friedrich Nietzsche

My monster was born, for me, 50 years ago. Keeping itself quiet, lurking, watching, learning. Absorbing all the nasty evils, and the ways to inflict pain. 18,262 days. 18,262 nights learning my patterns, probing every now and again with simple feelers. Waiting…..
I was born 50 years ago. Normal childhood. Bumps, bruises, cuts and scrapes. Watching the world, learning and growing up. 18,262 days. 18,262 nights of sleep, broken by the occasional headache which I squashed with Tylenol. Never a second thought….back to sleep…..

She strikes without warning. Teeth, twisted and rotten, bearing all the fetid disease. Claws, long and sharpened like needles, dripping with vile poison. She bites my eye. Gnawing, ripping, tearing and grinding. Claws come next. She must have hundreds of fingers as each one pokes and prods. Finding a piece of untouched nerve sends her into a frenzy. Slicing and sending spears of agony deep into my eye, dripping down into my temple and reaching into the recesses of the back of my jaw. I can hear her laughter. This is her pleasure.
This is my pain. I awaken suddenly in terror. WHAT in the hell is happening to me. I glance at the clock through one eye. It is 1:30 AM. I bite my tongue to try to stifle the moaning that will eventually be escaping my mouth as I stumble out of the room so as not to wake my other half. Clip my pinkie toe onthe door jamb in the dark on way out but dont really notice it until the next day. I make it to the kitchen and open the freezer to grab my giant ice bag. ( something I have learned over the past two weeks is that this sort of helps ) I vow to see my DR first thing in the morning.
However tonight, Ice is not enough to quench the fire raging in my head. I will fight fire with fire. I toss the ice on the floor and jump in the shower, turning the handle all the way to the left as hot as it will go. I will scald you out, and but yet briefly this helps me tune her out of my head. She is persistant and I am weak. I think it would be so easy…so so easy.
I stifle my cries and head to the bedroom, slowly open my drawer and am greeted by the cold glint of my knives. Step into the shower, two slices and it will be over, no muss, no fuss. I will be rid of this filth, and I will win.
She finds virgin territory in behind my eye and I startle myself out of the scalding brief reprieve is over. I bang my head against the tile.
As suddenly as it started, it leaves. I am spent. As I dry myself off and stumble to the recliner, I realized I was that close to ending it. Yes, I would have been pain free, but instead I would have cast a world of hurt upon those closest to me, my family.
I am a warrior, you cannot see my wounds, my scars. You can read the battles in my eyes, see the fatigue in my face and can tell when I have fought the beast by my haggard shuffle.
I have my family, and I have my other family. Their knowledge, support and understanding, has gotten me through many battles, and will continue to do so.
I have fought with the monster. As I gaze down from the top of the abyss into her eyes, she knows that I am not defenseless. I have my weapons, and I am becoming proficient in their use.
Monster, beast, (insert nasty descriptive adjective here), just another name for Cluster Headache.
Cluster Headaches arent just "another headache". To describe one would be insufficient. To observe one would turn your stomach. To have one is pure horror.
Cluster Headache…suicide headache. If this story helps just one person.


Date Event
Jan 2003 sample event
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